The Reward is Worth It

Life with Frankie has been rewarding although quite challenging lately. She has been asserting her independence and I have been compelled to observe with patience and accept the process. I never thought of myself to be a control freak, but my triggers may be telling me differently. (don’t tell my sister)

Another trigger for me is strong emotions; anger, frustration, tantrums not only crying but also with aggression.  I am learning to…but also struggling with allowing it and communicating to her that it is ok to feel those emotions, trusting that together we can learn to express them in a more calming manner. This is a complicated effort. It requires me to acknowledge my emotions and remain calm. Afterall, she is basically a reflection of me. Something helping me through this endeavor is yoga, meditation and breathwork. Frankie likes to be consoled with hugs and kisses while she is upset, I on the other hand prefer space. I truly believe that our bodies have this innate ability to regulate emotions, temperature and heart rate, just by touch alone. (I believe there is even research and studies to prove this theory.) In order for me to make this possible for Frankie and I, I must step away, calm my emotions, only then can I step in and hold Frankie and help her regulate her emotions. I usually just repeat to Frankie (and myself) that it is ok to feel these emotions.

It is no wonder that I have started my spiritual exploration while on this parenting journey. My hope is that by awakening I can raise not just a decent, but a kind and compassionate human. I want to break unhealthy cycles, acknowledge my childhood trauma and avoid passing any of those on to Frankie. She unequivocally brings light to the very darkest parts of it all. I do not feel guilty anymore when I take time for myself. Maybe it is that she is a little older and not as helpless. Maybe it is being able to take a break from the breach of peace that comes with avoiding unhealthy responses and triggers. It is crazy to think of how tolerant we have become with unhealthy responses to certain situations (drinking, yelling, violence). Because that is what we know from our childhood or what our peers do. Have you ever been somewhere and looked at how a mother or father is handling, or lack of handling a situation with a child, and thought, I would never, how could they? I certainly have and I used to care if another person may think the same thing of me. Now, I don't care. It’s wonderful, tranquil even to care less of what anyone else is thinking about me or my doing to discipline. Accomplishing this will repudiate any feeling of embarrassment or resentment. It makes an already cruddy circumstance, less crustaceous.

Some of the obstacles I am faced with recently are getting to appointments on time. I try to remedy this by either getting up early, before Frankie, to get as much done as possible that does not involve her. Then 2 hours before we have to leave the house, I start to get Frankie ready. Yes, you heard that right, two hours before. This is because I tried the one-hour window and always ended up late. Considering that being late is a personal vexation. I think it is completely disrespectful, selfish and inconsiderate. If I am going to be late, I always call or text to reschedule, let them know exactly how late I am running and give them an out, if they have another engagement. This is basically letting them know that I respect them, and I am mindful of their time. I was raised with the mindset that if you are on time, you are late. As a rule of thumb, I am 10 minutes early and have all my clocks set 10 minutes fast. Now, for me that is easy to do, if I don't wrangle a 3-year-old into clothes and shoes so we can get out of the door. Clothes and shoes are a must! I don't care anymore what clothes, fairy or princess costume, stripes and plaid, even Christmas PJs in July, I don't fight that fight anymore. I will bring an extra pair of shorts if it is hot or a coat if it is cold. I don’t even try to brush her hair if I think it will cause a grapple. This is because I may have to coerce her into the car seat and bribe her with snacks or chocolate. Who knows? She has outsmarted me more than once while using these tactics. She is bright beyond belief. Sometimes I will call the Chiropractor and admit that Frankie has made the decision to reschedule the appointment, because her toy dinosaur had to poop or take a nap. Dr. J knows Frankie and will laugh and completely understand my phone call. It is good to keep your circle of people in the know that Frankie is in command of this ship, because she can and does. My sister would say that she walks all over me. To that I say, I find it relaxing as long as she is walking on my back. (Insert eye wink emoji). It keeps me from stressing out and again goes back to me not caring what anyone else thinks about the way I am raising a kind and decent human.

Having said the above, I am still working on being at peace with allowing Frankie to have much of the control. It takes work, recognition and acceptance to acquiesce. Every day is a lesson, a chance to grow, some days are easier than others. As long as I am willing to step back and take a look from a different perspective, I can learn how to make each day a little easier than the last. Knowing what battles are worth the struggle and what I can let her do without harming herself or others is crucial. Maybe by relinquishing this control and imparting it to Frankie, she will gain confidence and remain in control of her own destiny.